Page 1
Page 2
Page 3
Page 4
Page 5
Page 6
Page 7
Page 8
Page 9
Page 10
Page 11
Page 12
Page 13
Page 14
Page 15
Page 16
Page 17
Page 18
Page 19
Page 20
Page 21
Page 22
Page 23
Page 24
Page 25
Page 26
Page 27
Page 28
Page 29
Page 30
Page 31
Page 32
Page 33
Page 34
Page 35
Page 36
Page 37
Page 38
Page 39
Page 40
PROGRAMSUCCESSx13AUGUST2012PAGE5BySarahB.WeirGuestColumnistSecretstoahappymarriage.In25yearsofstudyingmarriageDr.TerriOrbuchresearchprofessorattheUniversityofMichiganandauthorofthenewbookx1cFindingLoveAgain6SimpleStepstoaNewandHappyRelationshipx1dhasfoundthatsomeofthebestrelationshipadvicecomesfrompeoplewhoareactuallydivorced.In1986Orbuchembarkedonalong-termstudysupportedbytheNationalInstitutesofHealthNIHwhichfollowedtherelationshipsof373newlyweds.By201246haddivorcedaboutthesameasthenationalaverage.IninterviewswithOrbuchpeoplewhohaddivorcedorendedaseriousrelationshipoverandoveragainbroughtupthesamefiveissuesthattheywouldimproveiftheyhadthechancetodoitallagain.1.Money.OverthecourseofherresearchonethebiggestsurprisesforOrbuchwastherolemoneyplayedinmaritalstrife.x1cManydivorcedsinglessaythatmoneywasthenumberonesourceofconflictintheearlyyearsofmarriagex1d.Shealsofoundthatx1c6outof10saidtheywouldnotsharelivingexpensesintheirnextrelationship.x1dSherecommendsthateachpartnerevaluatetheirownapproachtospendingandsavingmoneyanddiscusswiththeirspouseearlyon.Shesaysthereisnoone-size-fits-all-financialplanbutcouplesneedtodeterminetheirownrulesandadheretothem.2.Affection.Anothersurprisewasthatmencraveaffection-butnotnecessarilysex-morethanwomen.x1cItx19scounterintuitivex1dsaysOrbuchx1cbutmencravefeelingspecialandbeingnoticedbytheirwives.x1dSheaddsthatmenwhoreportnotgettingenoughnonsexualaffectionweretwiceaslikelytoaskforadivorcebutthereversewasnottrueforwomen.x1cWomenarefortunate.Wegetthiskindofaffirmationfrommorepeopleinourlivesourmotherschildrenourbestfriendsx1d-sowomentendtoneedlessfromhusbands.Sherecommendscarvingouttimeforregularcuddlingkissinghand-holdingandsayingx1cIloveyou.x1d3.Blame.x1cWhendivorcedcouplesfoundfaultwiththeirrelationshipusingx18wex19statementstheyweresignificantlymorelikelytofindlovethanthosewhousedx18Ix19orx18youx19statements.x1dThosewhofoundblameinfactorssuchasbeingincompatibleortooyoungexperiencedlessanxietyinsomniaanddepressionthanthosewhoblamedtheirformerpartnerorthemselvesforabreak-up.ExaminewhatwentwrongintherelationshipinsteadofassigningindividualblamesuggestsOrbuchandthinkabouthowyoucanresolveconflictbetternexttime.4.Communication.Orbuchsaysatrapmanycouplesfallintoisx1cmaintenancex1dratherthantruecommunication.Shesuggestshavingax1c10minuterulex1deverydaywhenyoux1cTalktoyourpartneraboutsomethingotherthanworktherelationshipthehouseorthechildren.x1dThekeyisrevealingsomethingaboutyourselfandlearningsomethingaboutyourspouse.x1cForty-onepercentofdivorcedpeoplesaytheywouldchangetheircommunicationstylex1dsaysOrbuchx1cand91ofhappilymarriedcouplessaytheyknowtheirpartnerintimately.x1d5.Moveon.Lettinggoofthepastisakeytobeinginahappyrelationship.Thisistrueforpeoplewhoarecurrentlymarriedaswellasthoseseekinglove.Ifyouareirkedbythoughtsofyourpartnerx19soldboyfriendorgirlfriendorofafightthathappenedweeksagoyoumightnotbeinteractinginahealthypositiveway.x1cThatanimositypreventsyoufrombeingfullypresentx1dsaysOrbuch.Shealsopointsoutthatpeoplewhofeltneutraltowardtheirexweresignificantlymorelikelytofindloveafteradivorce.Ifyoucanx19tletgoofyourangerherbookoutlinesanumberofexercisesincludingwritingadetailedlettertothepersonyouareangryat-andburningit.5SecretstoaHappyMarriageRevealedbyDivorce